Lots of things happening lately and more like family issues is bothering mi. I admit, I'm really becoming more and more mentally sick. I got yell and blamed at for nothing and the best part is that none of my family members are doing right. As in, when u tell your kids this, as a parent you should set a good example but no. All they can say is that they have no education and come from shitty family background. In my mind I'm like "is that all you can say?". I mean all this are excuses. I do see people who be so much different from their family background because they learn to change and accept but then my family just can't.
My mom is like going crazy soon, my dad only knows how to blame things, people except himself and my brother is never responsible in the family. I'm seriously annoyed and all I can say is that I'm sick of it. They don't even know when to care is right. Giving you money and things you want is care to them. Unable to support or encourage me which end up saying that "because I'm useless, that's why I can't help you.". And that is what my mom always say. I thought it was ok until Eileen told me this "how can your mother say this to you!". I totally have no clue and was so lost in my life. So I always ask myself "what have I really done is right for myself and other?", I always can't get an answer.
I was a cry baby when I was a kid. But my dad and my dad's side relatives will always scold me with this sentence, "Cry cry cry. Cry for what? Got people passed away is it? You keep crying my 4D always never come true.". I didn't really bother so I keep crying until I was 8 or 9. Somehow I kinda have abit of concious and aware of what is going on. I can't say that I'm fully aware but somehow I get to understand some stuff.
My mom only knows how to blame herself for being unable to support the family because she sees all this junks that my dad collected and put at home as if they are like a display objects, she just can't get out and work. Her sisters always encourage her to ignore all these and go work but she didn't. Then I realise actually she doesn't want her hard earn money to be spend by ny dad because their bank account are merged as one. But still if I were her, I can just open up another solo account. She always feel regret and guilty about this and that but nothing is done.
My parent always say they are not educated that's why they can't do this and that. Then I looked at Shermaine's parent. Her dad was not really educated but why he can have is own business, it's because he bothers to learn and update himself. I cannot blame them like this because as their child, who inherited this dirty blood, is like this as well.
My brother is just the same as my dad. They always hope that there is a rich person who they can depend on. And my brother always blame my dad for being useless who can't be rich and get him to what he needs. I can understand why he felt that way when I saw him being looked down by my dad's relatives because he borrowed money from them to go for university. But he still never learn from what he experienced. I can only say that the entire family were being looked down. I can say that my family members really deserved it because they can do something to change it but they are reluctant to do so.
I'm really tired and having migraine lately and I really hope that the Heaven can really take me away rather than picking on those who shouldn't be. Good people die early with pain while bad people suffer for year before they die in pain, regrets and guilt. Sometimes I wanna share out that problems but all the people they can do is give their opinion or sit there listening and not utter a word or even worst, they can only just give you a pat. If so, I rather these people don't come to my life because no point of doing any of those shits as the outcome is the same as you are not there at all. Nothing can be solved because is personal problem and I do agreed. But then again that's not what I want.
This is why everywhere I go, I don't feel belong. I can't get along with people because of different interest. Even if I could, it just doesn't feel close and the gap is still there. That's why honestly I don't really need a friend because after awhile they left and I don't really like people bothering or pestering me. Meeting up or those gathering is either I called everyone or not get invited. I kinda sick of calling up because we already don't have that click of able to talk what we used to. So the meet up is just blindly a hi and bye game. I told Grace before that our friendship can only last for 4 years and then we are on our own. And even so, it's like I need you I will call you. If I don't, I won't bother to look for you. It's true on my side because there is nothing for me to continue a conversation anymore except work related.
No one is gonna be at your side for 24/7 or even a second. That's the truth.
Sometimes I feel that I'm looking for a perfect family and friend to me but it will never come. To me, I have no intention to start a family. I do not want to pass down this blood of mine to the next generation where it is already a catastrophe in the current society where kids are getting worst and confused and defendless.
Right now what I wrote is like something that people are sympathizing me on and etc. Honestly, I really don't like anyone to treat me like this and even my birthday, please don't come and bother me or even joke with me or celebrate for me. I don't like it because I'm not used to it. Even I myself don't really like to go to other people's birthday party which I really hope that people around me never exist.
There are kinda so much more I wanna say but I just can't get them down right. Sometimes I wonder how it feels like when you are dead. Why would someone even cry for you when you can't wake up anymore? If I'm dead, I will only let others know after the ceremony is over.